I went to a birthday party with a dozen professional dominatrices.

And I lived to tell the tale.

“So, tell me more about how you indulge in your masochistic tendencies?”

How do you answer such a question… especially when it comes from a drop-dead-gorgeous thirty-something Asian-American lady, who happens to be a professional dominatrix, asking you this question over the head of a submissive man kneeling at her feet? How do you rip your eyes away from him as he enthusiastically polishes her red latex catsuit, running his hands all over her with a combination of deference and enthusiasm, her catsuit tightly packaging every inch of her five foot nothing frame, highlighting her sensual, flowing figure, her D cup breasts tightly squeezed underneath the plastic? How do you engage your mind while her eyes narrow, sparkling with a combination of cruel curiosity and pure sadistic salivation at the thought of future possibilities, her lips thinly pursed, her eyeliner adding to the fineness of her features, her entire stance blasting you with the full feminine confidence in her own powers of attraction, the same look a cat gives a mouse as it gets ready to pounce?

Well, I’ll tell you. You acknowledge that you’re way out of your depth, you become aware that you’re anxious as all hell, you rally whatever courage you can find, and you tell her:

“I’d love to continue this conversation, uh, but, could we potentially do that in a more private setting?”

And then you run, you run, like a mouse that’s just asked the cat to perhaps give it a second to come to terms with being eaten.

And that’s when you discover the third table of snacks at this party. The fun snacks. The ones that doesn’t feed your stomach. And as you sit down and pull the mirror closer, you tell yourself, “well… here goes nothin….”

I’d love to tell you more about my evening, but if there’s one thing I learned from the experience, it’s this: some things are best kept close to the heart. It makes it all the more fun when someone comes along with the right, ahem, implements to pry it open…